The Effect of God's Love on Shame

Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and somehow unworthy of love or belonging. It is the most primitive affect or emotion that we experience as humans. It is universal — every one of us has experienced it to some extent or another. Shame causes us to hide or cover ourselves, which in turn causes disconnection in relationships. It is the birthplace of perfectionism and it is highly correlated to addictions, depression, eating disorders, bullying, and even violence. Shame feeds off of secrecy, silence, and judgement to grow.

In the Bible, we see that God created man and woman good. In fact, they were naked and not ashamed. They completely relied on God and had no awareness that there was anything the matter with them. As their eyes opened to the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, they saw something they hadn’t before. They saw their nakedness and tried to cover themselves up. They felt disconnected from God and tried to hide. God came after them, trying to connect, but they were now trying to be their own gods. They couldn’t help but realize their own insufficiency. This was their first experience of the intensely painful feeling known as shame. 

In my own life (Judi), I have had multiple traumas in childhood and adulthood that led to deep pockets of shame. Debilitating shame. Shame that kept me silent for years. Shame that led me to addictions and unsavory behaviors for relief. Shame that caused me to put on a mask and pretend. Shame that disconnected me and kept me a loner for many years. Shame that, though it became well-covered, could be activated by the simplest misstep of a friend. 

Coming out of shame has not been easy for me. I’ve stumbled in friendships. I was (and can still be) self-protective, comparing, judgmental. This shame is not conducive to love, either receiving it or giving it. The antidote to shame within the world system is hiding and protecting. The antidote to shame in the Kingdom is receiving God’s unlimited LOVE.

Jesus said to Martha on the heels of the trauma of losing her brother Lazarus: “I AM the resurrection and the life.  He who believes in Me, though he may die, he shall live.” But then He added this important caveat… “Do you believe me?”

Years ago, as a Christian mired in deep depression and shame, I felt like the Lord was telling me to “sit down.” Meaning no more volunteering and endless to-do’s to combat the depression. My heart sunk, and I remember saying to the Lord, “But if I sit down, I’ll just watch TV and become a couch potato (a worthless person). It was the worst possible thing I could think of. I heard the Lord gently respond, “I’ll sit with you and watch TV.” 

I still took care of myself by eating well, exercising, and getting enough sleep, but I stopped striving. I gave myself permission to sit on the couch and watch TV. I honestly did not realize at the time, but what happened was, “I AM the Resurrection and the Life” sat with me on that couch. I slowly came back to life. But it was HIS life working on the inside of me, not me desperately trying to find my way out of the quicksand. I sat still long enough to receive. One day I noticed I was singing a song in the car on the way to work. It was a song I had never heard before, a song about the Lord and to the Lord. I knew in that moment that God’s love was reaching my hard, self-protected heart. I was walking out of that depression/shame. That was 14 years ago, and I am happier now than I have ever been in my life. I still have challenges but perhaps I've learned the most important lesson: "I AM the resurrection and the life" is always with me, no matter what I am facing.

When Jesus came to earth, He dealt with all kinds of people and their sense of shame, which drove their sin:

The Woman Caught in Adultery  (John 8:3-11)

Her shame was dealt with by His love. He was silent in the face of her loud accusers who demanded her death, not giving them attention. Ultimately He had her accusers drop their stones. He defended her and protected her. With compassion He offered her a way forward without the need to mask her pain in adultery.

Zacchaeus, the Tax Collector (Luke 19:1-10)

His shame was dealt with personally. Instead of making a stand against him for the wrongs he brought against his own people, Jesus called him by name and invited Himself over for dinner. He offered Zacchaeus fellowship and friendship. It enabled him to stop stealing and to give back. 

The Gadarene Demoniac (Mark 5:1-20)

Jesus went out of His way to visit a homeless, naked, violent madman in a non-Jewish community. Jesus freed him of his shame with a word of authority. He confronted the lies that bound the man with His grace and peace. He cast out the demons in such a demonstrable way, the man wanted to follow Him.

The Woman Who Washed Jesus’ Feet (Luke 7:36-50)

This city prostitute dared to enter the home of a Pharisee, weeping and lamenting and pouring expensive perfume on His feet. Jesus met her shame with words of honor (to whom much is forgiven, much love will be known), rebuking the Pharisees and uplifting her. He forgave her.

The Samaritan Woman at the Well (John 4:4-30)

She was not only a Samaritan, but a woman, and a woman who had been married multiple times. A rabbi would never be caught alone with someone like her. Yet Jesus purposed to spend time with her and engage with her. He even revealed Himself to her as the Messiah. He was generous with her, offering her Living Water to quench her thirst (addiction). This relieved her shame to the extent that she was able to run back into the village and share about Jesus with the very folks she had previously tried to avoid. 

In the gospels, we see Jesus, over and over, addressing people’s shame, forgiving them, healing them, sitting with them, loving on them. He silenced the religious accusers of the day (those taking a stand against them). He took authority over the lies of the enemy, He shared a meal, He listened, He forgave, He honored them. Jesus understands our shame and how it drives us to protect ourselves and hide. Thank you, Father, for sitting with us, for being our Resurrection and our Life, and allowing us to receive from you all we need to heal the shame in our lives. Your loving kindness dissolves our shame.